Okay The Internet.

We need to have a little talk, because I think it's basically just you and me alone on this one. We both just kind of sit there quietly during movies -- taking it all in, being unintrusively present, just existing.

You and me, man. You and me.

Silent.

During movies.

...

BUT HOW ABOUT THOSE MOVIE TALKERS, HUH? HOW ABOUT THEM.

AND HOW ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE WHO JUST INTRUDE RIGHT ON IN DURING THE REALLY IMPORTANT PARTS WITH THEIR OWN PERSONAL AGENDAS.

AND HOW ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE WHO WHISPER BECAUSE THEY THINK THAT'S NOT INFINITELY MORE ANNOYING THAN JUST COMING RIGHT OUT AND TALKING.

AND! AND HOW ABOUT THOSE PEOPLE WHO ASK RHETORICAL QUESTIONS AS IF THEY WOULD NOT UNDERSTAND IN FIVE MINUTES WHAT WOULD HAPPEN ANYWAY.

You know it's not that bad when you're saying things about the movie. Really. That's fine. But there is a time for talking about hobbies, music, life, people, and interests -- and there is a time for watching movies.

These times can never occur simultaneously.

Like naptime and fucktime.

No.

Not at once.

Let me revisit this rhetorical question point I brought up a little earlier:

You see, when I see movies for the first time, I too ask questions.

But I ask them quietly to myself, without opening my mouth.

If you have to ask a question like "why did he just pick that up!?" or "why would she say that?!" or "why would he do that? He's never done that before!" -- then that means the movie is working. It is engaging you to think.

Bravo. You can think.

Astounding.

But riddle me this:

Would you rather have me answer your question and tell you exactly what happens and how it ends and we can stop watching the movie when it's halfway over --

Or would you like to just watch and find out what happens for yourself?

By the time I would get done explaining the reason why a certain character did a certain thing, they would've done it already.

THAT'S THE THING: MOST DIRECTORS KNOW THAT WHEN SOMEONE GOES TO SEE A MOVIE, THERE IS A HIGH PROBABILITY THAT THEY ARE SEEING THIS MOVIE FOR THE FIRST TIME.

MOST DIRECTORS KNOW THAT PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THINGS THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND.

MOST DIRECTORS WANT TO BE SUCCESSFUL, SO THEY WILL MAKE IT SO PEOPLE WILL UNDERSTAND THEIR MOVIES.

YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW THIS.

And can your comments about blahblahblahsuchafriend wait ninety minutes?

Is it really that imperative that you get this off your chest?

REALLY?!

I think I will have to watch movies from now on in an igloo or some cavern in the Grand Canyon or something.

ACTUALLY NO.

NO!

FUCK THAT.

YOU GUYS FUCKING INTRUDE ON MY MOVIE WATCHING.

I SAY TO YOU BEFOREHAND:

"Hey kids, I am somewhat anal about talking during movies, so if you plan on talking could we maybe watch a different movie or do this some other time?"

"Oh no Megan! That's fine, we'll be quiet!"

"Awesome, thanks!"

Movie begins.

"jabbajabbajabbajabbaHAHAHHAHAohyeahhisshirtisfunnyyeah IsawhimtodayHAHAHAHAHHAHAjabbajabba!"

"OH HAHAHA SHHHHHHHH YOU GUYS! REMEMBER: MEGAN DOESN'T LIKE MOVIE TALKERS! HAHAHAHA!

SHHHH! HAHAHHA! RIGHT??! SHHHHH! HAHA!"

Well fuck you.

Fuck you and when you say that even though I like you regularly -- I want to gouge your fucking eyes out.

Like Jim did to the asshole perv guy in 28 Days Later.

OH SORRY, DID YOU MISS THAT PART?!?

DO YOU WANT ME TO EXPLAIN TO YOU WHAT HAPPENED?!?!

DID THIS WORK OF ART INTRUDE ON YOUR PERSONAL LIFE?!?!

...

Yeah.

I guess I'm just another stupid pretentious movie snob.

But at least I'm not you.

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