If you have ever been to makeoutclub.com (or any of those websites that cater to scenesters under thirty), read someone's livejournal, or encountered any personal website of anyone who listens to Brand New -- then you are aware that all of the aforementioned people are insanely attractive.

The cruel reality of this situation is that there is no way half of them are as hot as they are in real life as they are on the internet.

Think about it. How many really, astoundingly good looking people have you seen in your life, not counting me?

Especially really, astoundingly good looking teenagers.

You know, teenagers. Those pimply people who prepare and possibly urinate all over your number four with extra cheese.

...

Yes I know I am eighteen.

But let's not let that get in the way of me giving you an extensive how-to guide on fooling people into thinking that you're desirable!

My charming model, me, will be demonstrating these simple techniques that you too can perfect.

1. Okay. The basics.

You want to get a kind of "barely alive" look on your face. To do this, just think about how cruel society has been to you. Naturally, you will not look at the camera. Oh no. You can't look your fears of rejection and scrutiny square in the eye! Who are you, anyway, the incredible hulk?! I think not. You are a sensitive young person artist.

Also, try to keep your eyes down. What if you have ugly eyes? This makes a bad e-first impression.

Also important: black and white. Color is dangerous. It is inviting. You are a hip social outcast. You are unique because of the music you listen to. Remember, technology sucks, but included in every digital camera or photo editing program is a black and white setting.

2. If you should be so bold as to look into the camera, make sure you do it AT A SLIGHT ANGLE and with ATTITUDE.

Now, this is subtle attitude you're going for. You don't want to look completely unapproachable. Just fashionably intimidating. DO NOT SMILE. You are funny, but not in an "I'm smiling" kind of way.

Little known fact: when you look into a camera it actually slightly impairs your vision. So if you were wondering why you were seeing all these indie rock kids walking around with fashion forward horn-rimmed glasses -- it's because all they do is take pictures of themselves.

If you don't have glasses, take a DIY approach!

See? Look how much more attractive!

3. Okay. This is important. Never look FACE-FORWARD into the camera, because this is inevitably what will happen:

PIPE DISASTER!!!1

However, the pipe (or any prop) can be used to your advantage. Just use it right.

See how brooding? See how intense? He doesn't care about the world, he just cares about his tobaccy. Note how he does not look directly into the camera. Excellent usage of Dead Look and black and white.

4. Alright. This is another "Don't." You want to create a voyeuristic atmosphere, but this is taking it too far. I'm sad and disenchanted with the world, but not when I'm picking my nose!

5. This next one is where it's acceptable to use color, but it only ends in heartbreak.

Nine times out of ten, taking a picture of yourself in the mirror makes you look like a douche. The camera will, most of the time, steal your thunder. And you, my friend, need all the thunder you can get.

6. I am a girl, but this next one is for the guys:

Subtly try to show off your muscles. (Or lack thereof, as the case may be. Both are equally desirable to the indie female).

This is a crass demonstration, but you get the idea.

Oh, and I forgot to mention this earlier, but it's a general guideline: never show anything below your chest, unless you have a good body. This is especially important for the secret fatties out there.

7. If you are really not pleasing to the eye, try to cover every square inch of your face with hair, glasses, hats, piercings, scarves (the more the merrier), tattoos -- whatever.

Because when the world is just too harsh, you can always hide under your accessories.

8. As a general rule, anyone will always look hotter with a guitar (or any instrument, really).

Take note that I have shamefully broken one of the cardinal rules of looking hot -- I am wearing sweatpants. Please keep in mind that these are just a series of demonstrations and I am serving as your humble crash test dummy.

9. It is tempting to show the internet public just how pissed off you are at everything, but I warn you -- it can go too far.

There is a healthy medium between "detached" and "psychotic." Try to find it. It may take you several memory cards or rolls of film, but when you do uncover it, you will be the most attractive person alive.

10. If all else fails, just Photoshop your ass off.

See? I barely look like a person! HOT! If you are uglier than ugly, you should probably just opt for this.

There you have it! Now go impress all those people you don't know!

<< >>