Today I ate five pickles.

Yesterday I also ate five pickles.

The day before that, I am pretty sure I ate three pickles.

I did not eat any pickles the day before that (Thursday).

Cumulatively, I ate one whole pickle on Wednesday. They were actually two very large halves.

I mean, all of these fives and threes were actually very, very small pickles in comparison to the one I had on Wednesday. (Before Wednesday I had not had any pickles for awhile, but I picked some up on Tuesday, and I have been eating them since. It was kind of like the friend you lost touch with and then one day one of you called the other one and you started hanging out again and you didn't realize that you missed each other.)

I'm not sure what the going, standard size pickle is nowadays, anyway.

I'm just going by the individual pickle units I ingested.

So more accurately, today I had three and a half pickles.

I had two reasonably sized quarters at lunch, and three whole small ones as a pre-beddy-by snack just now. (I've been eating more than pickles, too).

I think a lot of people have a common misconception of pickle halves-to-quarters. The pickle unit you receive on the side of a sandwich is only a quarter of the whole thing. But I think a lot of people think that is actually a pickle half.

It's weird that they used to be cucumbers. My roommate eats cucumbers whole, and I eat pickles whole. I like to dress it up -- a cucumber is not delicious unless it is snazzed up and stylized with vinegar and dill. I guess if we were boys, she would prefer amateur porn and I would like it Jenna Jameson style.

Pickles are tangy, sour, fantastic when crunchy, and just okay when soggy. I prefer the more naturally colored (Claussen) as opposed to neon yellow pickles (Mt. Olive? Vlasic? In any case, Claussen is my favorite). Given the choice between not a pickle and a pickle, I'll choose the latter.

I do not like the taste they leave in my mouth afterwards.

I never want to kiss anyone on the lips who has just eaten a pickle.

I like the little mustard seeds that are in the sweet pickle jar.

I don't really like sweet pickles.

I like the really sour little teeny weeny gherkins. The seeds look really cute. Like little zygotes.

Pickles really pull a sandwich and chips together.

I do not like looking at/thinking about eating the really huge, foot-long pickles used for decoration (hopefully) in huge jars. They are very intimidating.

I also do not like really big penises. I think I don't like thinking about eating huge pickles because I don't like giving head to huge penises.

Given the choice between doing heroin and never eating pickles...

Like I could never eat pickles again if I did heroin...

Even if heroin is awesome...

I think I'd stick with the pickles?

MAYBE.

This is the extent of the part of my brain that is used to store my thoughts on pickles. I don't think my sentiments on pickles will ever really change, but if they do, I don't think the change will be very drastic. In the future, I might have a negative association with them, or maybe they will remind me of something new and pleasant.

But basically, without forcing myself, those are the only thoughts I will ever have about pickles.

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