So I have decided that I will no longer watch Johnny Depp movies because they just end up making me really depressed because come on, let's face it -- he is never going to put his erect penis into my wet and accomadating vagina.

We are never going to rehearse our lines together and when it gets to the scene where we have to make out there is evident sexual tension and we end up making sweet whoopie on his puma skin rug.

He is never going to do hat tricks for me on the street.

I will never grocery shop for "us."

His face will basically never be anywhere near my crotch.

My loins seriously ache at the non-presence of this man in my life, other than in the occasional masturbatory fantasy.

I always feel bad when I think about a real person when I masturbate because I feel like I just mentally raped them.

Like, "hey, sorry Scarlett Johannson, I know you're straight and all, but we definitely just sixty-nined."

I mean, she doesn't even KNOW ME.

Johnny Depp takes up about one fourth of my brain at all times. I say this because one third of my brain is always occupied by thinking about sex, and he is somewhat of a Sexual Mascot for me. He is basically the most attractive human being alive right now.

Like even more than me.

I KNOW.

Weird.

Anyway.

This is really making me want to get laid. But not in a cheap, we'll-regret-this-later kinda way.

...

No. Fuck it. Next skinny, indie-looking, random and willing guy I see will be inside me.

MARK MY WORDS.

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