Want to know something funny about Christmas?

I have the most mixed up family when it comes to religion -- we've basically tried everything out and decided that we don't like any of it.

But we still celebrate Christmas.

Oh, it's Jesus's's's 2billionth birthday? Awesome. Let's celebrate a dead guy's birthday.

By giving each other presents.

And putting pine trees in our houses.

...Because they totally had pine trees in Jerusalem.

Whatever, I know that's probably some Pagan tradition that got all mixed up when they were Christianizing everything.

And when did this Saint Nicholas character get in the picture?

Okay, yeah, he was an actual guy who went around giving children gifts. I do not think his gift-giving was specific to the cause of Jesus' birthday.

So how did he get dragged into this?

Saint Nicholas' (a.k.a. Santa Claus, when slurred together) presence in the holiday of Christmas is what gives us an excuse to buy lots of presents (or put almonds in cakes or get wooden shoes or do whatever it is you crazy other cultures do).

It's kind of like Bush's little Iraq/Al Queda mix up.

Even though Al Queda was supposedly the culprit of 9/11, we somehow got the idea that it was a good thing to attack Iraq. Cause you know, it's easy to fool Americans because we're pretty dumb and brown people are all the same to us and everything.

So even though Jesus' birth was the original cause for Christmas, we need an excuse to go on a capitalist binge and hey, uh, this awesome saint guy gave kids presents, and he liked Jesus too... so yeah! Santa Claus? CONSIDER IT DONE!

(And maybe I am wrong about all of this or something. I'm not really educated about any of this. I just think I'm clever.)

All of this sounds like I'm anti-Christmas, which is probably the most ridiculous claim a person could ever make about me.

I mean, I more than like Christmas. I definitely like Christmas as more than a friend. I think I might actually... yes, yes... I think it's safe to say that I am in love with Christmas!

Come on! What's not to love about Christmas?

Presents?! For... me?! And food?! And presents?!? And snow?! And Christmas Eve?! And food?!?!?!11 And also... presents?!!!?!?!1121@23!@!#!

On a side note, I think there should be some sort of day of recognition/appriciation for Mary, because... immaculate conception? Sex was not pleasureable for me as a virgin, let alone childbirth.

Unless Joseph fingered her before labor or something. That could help.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is... apart from the BibleXcore scene -- Christmas is basically an open-to-celebrate, free of religious restrictions, American holiday now.

They start feeding it to us the day after Thanksgiving.

I mean, it's pretty silly that other religions can't be in on this. From November 20th - December 26th the colors that appear most frequently to us are red and green. Any time you walk into a mall or any sort of public gathering spot, Christmas music is playing.

It's like there's this awesome party that practically everyone is invited to, even the skeevy loser types, and a bunch of normal, fun-loving people didn't get invited.

What... what up with that!

So Jews, Muslims, Buddhists, and Whateverelses -- you are all Humans, and I'm sure Jesus wouldn't mind if you joined in the party and bought a tree and gave presents to each other.

Be like the Boyles. Crash the party.

(That is, I mean, uh, if you want to and you're not doing anything else or anything. No pressure! I'm just saying, if you want to come, I think it's past the point where they're checking the VIP list -- I mean, I think basically anyone can get in now.).

Sorry if this is offensive to anyone.

If it is, lighten up.

Actually, no. If it is, blow me. Then lighten up.

P.S. -- I hate how if you're an optimist you're automatically regarded as flighty, naive, and idealistic.

What society thinks of as an optimist has turned me into a pessimist.

But a really awesome pessimist with cool hair.

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