Okay I lied.

I will be writing in this probably until the end of time and space, because I have been writing here since I was fifteen and I am looking to set a world record for Longest Run of Stupid Things Being Posted Online by the Same Person.

And also because an important issue has come to my attention.

The issue at hand is:

Mockets.

You know. Pockets that leave you wanting more and mock you with their nonexistence.

Next to Britney Spears' bejeweled, sheer, nude ensemble, mockets are the biggest blue balls the fashion industry has ever laid on us.

They have been popping up in my clothes more and more lately:

"Where's the love?"

I don't understand people who prefer these to pockets. Honestly, when has someone ever said to you, "man, pockets sure look cool, but I just wish they did not have convenient holes to put your hands or money in."

I can understand pre-ripped/worn-in jeans.

They are the lazy man's working pant, and allow for easy access to itchy skin.

But... mockets?

When in the fuck do you want a MOCKET?!

You go to stick your hand in and...

DENIED!

POCKETS DON'T ESPECIALLY LOOK "COOL."

LISTEN FASHION INDUSTRY GOONS -- IF YOU DID NOT WANT A POCKET THERE TO BEGIN WITH, THEN DO NOT PRETEND ITS PRESENCE IS WELCOME.

IT IS LIKE YOU GUYS WROTE AN ENTIRE PAPER BUT NEGLECTED TO WRITE A CONCLUSION.

I NEED CLOSURE.

(p.s. I auditioned for the Vagina Monologues on a whim and I made it. I rule.)

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