A little disclaimer: this will be written rant-style. I'm not feeling like being especially interesting or caring about pretty much anything else except the little rabid herd of voices that are making these fingers type and this stomach twinge. With that said, you can choose to either read or not read this.

So there's this part of me that just wants to stay in Maryland. Chicago is a strange, big city to me and it's very far away and I am thinking it would be a lot easier on me and my nervous system if I just stayed here and went to College Park where I know people/the campus/what it can offer me and I'm sorta freaking out about that. It's a big enough campus so I think I could successfully avoid some trouble areas for me. Though that's the main drawback, I guess you could say.

But.

Then I feel like I should just push myself and go do the big, far away, nearly break-free school thing. Let alone the fact that my tuition is already paid, my workstudy is already set up, and I've been planning on doing this since March.

And of course I'm going to do it.

Of course I'm going to leave on Sunday and not come back until November for four days, then December for ten.

But the back-up plan just looks so comfy.

I mean, it's... well. I mean. I don't know. I know I'm just having normal jitters but but but.

But all of my friends have friends at their respective schools. Nobody has to do the awkward orientation meeting people unknown roommate and campus thing. God I hate that thing.

I HATE THAT THING.

I'm the only person I know who has had such a mixed up fucky year. I'm the only person I know who's transferring. Everyone just kind of accepts it as normal, but it's actually insanely stressful.

Imagine how nervewracking the beginning of your freshman year was.

Now do that three times.

And it's not like I had a healthy base at either of the schools I went to this year.

Seems like... nobody cares that this is big and scary for me? It's just... what I'm doing? And maybe it's just because I've been pretty psyched about it up until now, when the details seem to be coming into play.

So it's okay. It's really okay. This is just very big for me and I'm wacking out a little about it.

I'm going to really miss the people I've gotten closer to this summer.

A lot.

And I hope nothing changes about that.

I just don't know what the fuck I want to do with my life anymore. And I don't know if I'm making the right decisions. And I feel like no one can relate.

Fuck this shit, I am going to eat a pretzel.

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