< prescript >: I'll see your motion to chill like some villians with Betsy Hansen, and I'll raise you a hell yes.< / end prescript >

The wait is over, folks.

Through minutes of perilous collaboration, Lindsay and I have finalized the ultimate, one-stop field guide to the most attractive men we don't know. Yet.

It's just because they're famous, and we're not that famous yet. But in a couple years when I'm off partying with the Hilton sisters and rejecting Steven Spielberg movie proposals, there will be all kinds of debauchery.

...SIKE! (I really should stop sike-ing you guys out, because pretty soon the urge to do so will overwhelm me; much like Elijah Wood's Ring of Power (tm) overwhelmed him. It's like this burden of kitschyness that I have to bear, and every once in awhile it rears its ugly, early-nineties head. If I let it get too out of control, pretty soon I will be reduced to wearing nothing but unflattering, neon fabrics and singing Paula Abdul's "Straight Up" on a loop. Wait... is that such a bad thing?)

Anyway. Onto the mens. It was too hard to decide which ones were more attractive/awesome than the others, so we just gave out special awards and assigned them to Gay and Straight lists, respectively.

The Straight Ones
Collect them all!

Beck: Best Hands
Ben Folds: Best All Around; Best Song, "The Luckiest"
Elijah Wood: Most Androgynous
Adam Sandler: Most Improved
Jimmy Fallon: Best Ability to Hilariously Break Character During an SNL Skit
Jake Gyllenhaal: Most Awesome (It was debated whether or not to give Jake the "Worst Choice in Ladies Award," because of his current romp with Kirsten "I am not cool" Dunst. But then we realized that any of these guys could easily recieve that award, because they clearly have bad taste in womens because none of them appear to be dating either Lindsay or myself.)
Julian Casablancas: Best Name; Best Drunk
John Travolta: Best at Any Age
Mo Rocca: Best Commentary; Best Television Personality; Runner up: Best All Around
Liam Lynch: Snaps from Megan Award (yes, the Liam Lynch)
Edward Norton: Best Ablity to Wear Weird Costumes and Still Look Damn Fine (see: Death to Smoochy, American History X)
Johnny Depp: Best Guest Appearence in a Dream by Megan
Adam Green: Best Lyrics; Best Jewfro (tm)

Honorable Mentions: Orlando Bloom, Ricky Fitts (of American Beauty fame), and the "I just wanna DANCE!" guy from Dazed and Confused.

The Gay Ones

Kyan, Kyan, Ted, and Jai from the Homosexual Perspective for the Oblivious Heterosexual Male: Because one Kyan just isn't enough.

John Cameron Mitchell: His sexiness transcends sexuality. And gender too, sometimes.

Stephen Trask: He wrote "Origin of Love." What a dreamboat.

Tuan

Leonardo DiCaprio: You know he could be. Come on, fellas. You would never let go, too. Who's in Marvin's Room? Two guys having SEX! What's eating Gilbert Grape? LEONARDO DICAPRIO'S QUESTIONABLE SEXUALITY!

Gandalf: Um cuz liek my mom sed he was gay in real life r sumthin.

David Bowie: Best Ablilty to Look Like a Dinosaur and Marry a Woman but Make Out with Mick Jagger Sometimes.

Michael Stipe: Michael sings as if he were in a popular rock band.

Elijah Wood: It is not possible for Elijah to not make a list. Gay or straight, this boy has got it GOIN' ON! You work that gappy tooth, baby!

Richard Gere: Not gay, but close enough, because of some unconfirmable events involving a gerbil and a rectum some years back. I'm not sure if that makes him gay, or just really really creepy.

Tim Curry: But just Rocky Horror Tim Curry. None of this newfound Home Alone 2 ponchyness.

Hal Sparks: Best "I'm not gay, I just play one on t.v." Honorary Gay Man. Or maybe he is, I'm not sure. But there wasn't enough room on the Straight Guy list for this quip-spitting ball of funny.

Special Awards
This section is for the little shavers who couldn't quite make it to main lists, but we think they've got potential, and deserve a friendly proverbial pat on the back, anyway.

Best Up and Comer: Jason Mraz

Best Canhead: Kevin Warner

Best Token Black Guy: Samuel L. Jackson

Most Hydrated: Robin Williams

Pretty Fly for an Unattractive Guy: Steve Buscemi

***

And there you have it.

There is no such thing as too much free time.

Unfortunately, due to my outstanding ablilty to misplace things, my cord-thingy-that-connects-my-digital-camera-to-the-computer is currently MIA. But fret not, New Years pictures will be up and running within the next few days.

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