My computer feels that it is not necessary to work at an ample speed because I woke it up from its peaceful electronic slumber or some jazz like that. So now it takes about ten seconds for it to successfully execute a simple command -- and for me, those are ten seconds of pure, unadulterated internal hissy fit.

But onto the blowjobs.

See, I've been thinking. I think the reason why I feel somewhat apprehensive every time I go at it is because there are so many negative fellatio slang terms circulating around these days.

Say I'm real pissed off at my computer, like I was about 45 seconds ago. I'm going to think, "hey Compaq Presario -- SUCK MY DICK!"

You know how people are always saying that to stuff they don't like. Either that or "LICK MY BALLS!"

It makes me think, "hey, I'm sucking his dick, does that mean he's slowly losing respect for me? Am I some guy in traffic he gets angry with, so he tells him to suck his dick?"

But I've been told both the phallus-sucking and testicular-licking are pleasurable. So I'm kind of at a loss, here. What is the real deal, gentlemen?

You're all, "SUCK MY DICK, ASSHOLE!" and then, "ooooh, don't stop lickin' my love pump, sugarbob!" (But not really "sugarbob").

It's enough to drive a girl bananas. It's like a dog who's afraid of water and really has to pee, but it's raining outside. Or as my dad would say, an "approach-avoidance conflict."

Not that I'm that high up in the food chain of dick (or "Richard," if you're being formal about it) sucking. I've done it roughly 5 or 6 times -- several of these times being when I was under the influence of something other than unbridled passion.

So I don't really think that counts.

And I mean, I don't think less of a guy who goes down on me. I actually like it a lot, even if you guys have no idea what you're doing. It's kind of cute.

Seriously, you can ask me what feels nice! (That is, if you want the bonus points.)

And honestly, what is the deal with all of this anal sex doobie? I mean, do you want a dick up your ass? Then I probably don't either.

Why does sticking your baby-maker into the place where poop comes out get you hot?

If the anal cavity is so intriguing to you, you should spend some time in prison, where people welcome that sort of thing. Girls don't have special, vanilla-scented anuses (?anii?), you know. An asshole is an asshole.

I actually have never had a guy want to stick it up my poopie place, but it has happened to a number of my friends. And that just ain't right.

Haven't you guys seen Leaving Las Vegas? That's some delicate tissue up in there!

I also don't get the girls who (albeit grudgingly) go along with it. I mean, I'm all for trying out new things, but that's pushing it a little. That's right up there with "come on, pee on me. I mean, just a little."

Because you're encorporating feces into the mix.

Though I kind of get the logic -- "well, my main focus here is the genitillia, and they do more than just get aroused. They have actual, independant, non-sexual functions! Neat-o! I wonder if we could combine all of the possible functions together into a FECAL, SEXUAL EXTRAVAGAAAAANZA!"

It's bizarre. But I understand. Kind of.

Anyway. I just needed to get that out there. Feedback = appriciated.

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