I have an irk. It's irking me. I think I know why they decided to call that word "irk." It's because the feeling is exactly what it sounds like -- "iiiiiiirk." Actually, I think "girk" or "fnirk" might have been better choices.

Anyway, the irk...

(If you're a friend of mine who thinks otherwise, by all means correct me on this and make me feel a little better about myself).

Every one of my friends seems to have this idea about me that I'm well, kind of worthless. Or lazy. Or...something. Like I have no will to succeed. This is probably the misconception of the century.

Basically all I think about now is my future. It's getting to the point of obsession. Do you think I don't know what I'm getting into with my chosen profession?? Do you think I don't know that it's going to be hard, and that I'll have to work my ass off to even come close to making it??? Do you think all I care about is having a good time?!??? No!!

God...I'm a totally different person when I'm at home. I'm confident, I'm serious, I'm dark, I'm driven, I'm quiet. All I can think of is how I can get what I want, and what I have or haven't done today that's affected my goals in some way.

True, I do take it easy a little. I watch tv. I go out on the weekends. I read. I can be funny and lighthearted, too. In fact most of the time I'm some sort of combination of the darkness and the lightness. But I'm not totally ignorant to the fact that my life is coming up very soon. Which is why I just visited a college, and why I started visiting colleges my Sophomore year.

The reason why I'm not like this at school is because...well...it's not fun. It's not a pleasant thing to be around. And I like to get away from it.

We're all still trying to figure out who we are, and why we belong here. None of us are really complete people yet. We're close to it, but it's just that thing we can't quite grasp. High school and college are a time for that, I think. Figuring yourself out. I consider myself pretty lucky that I already know exactly what I want to do and where I want to go.

Actually, that's more of what I was earlier in the year. Now I think I'm sort of balancing out. I'm telling myself that it's ok to be quiet sometimes, and that I don't always have to have something funny to say. All of this is kind of hard for me to say, because I'm pretty sure some of my friends read this...and...well...I like the way I am with them. But I don't like it if they think I'm some kind of slacker who's not going to make it in the real world.

That's just...irking me.

By the way.

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