Children International Asshole: Excuse me, are you guys interested in saving a child for the price of a latte?

Me: Not really, no thanks.

CIA: Jibbajabbajabjabguilttripjabjabjabby?

Me: Look, I'm sorry, I'm just not very good with my money.

CIA: Well, we're good with your money

Me: Listen -- no thank you. (walking away)

CIA: (something snide)

Me: You know, I'm pretty self-centered. I would help you, but I just don't care.

CIA #2: Hey! Weren't you a kid five years ago?!

Me: YEAH. I was. But my family has a lot of money, so I've been pretty damn fortunate.

CIA #2: NICE HAIRCUT

This is when I mooned them.

---

This one guy is always out there, standing in front of the SAC (where we have the majority of our classes) begging you for money and making you feel like shit if you don't give him any.

Sorry if I don't feel like giving my credit card number away to some ugly sucker I don't know.

There is such a thing as charity.

It does not involve personal attacks and snide remarks. Or bugging you on the way to class/food/checking mail/etc.

This wasn't the first time homeboy harassed me, by the way. I'm not that cold.

I made this huge stack of dollar-shaped pieces of paper on them that say "YOU ARE AN ASSHOLE" and next time they approach me, I'm going to say,

"Know what you guys? You really made me feel like the scum of the earth last time I didn't give you money -- your fresh tactics got me to rethink what I was doing with my life. Here, just take all my cash."

And then I will promptly hand them the asshole dollars.

God, I love me.

<< >>